Saturday, 17 December 2011

Gobshites and the 7 drunks

Yuletide greetings my honourable friends and fuck it seen as though it's Christmas; season greetings to my less honourable ones too. I'm bored again so I thought I'd do a blog and since it's the time of year you see more people hammered than at any point of the year we'll do one about the type of folk you'll encounter on any given night out. I'll call this gobshite and the 7 drunks.

Much like the beloved Disney flick Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs I find that most drunks in a group can be broke down to different categories. We'll go through the 7 drunks first and work our way to the gobshite element at the end.

Doc: This is the problem solver of the bunch. They can also be the problem member of the group if you're the unlucky bastard that gets stuck with them. Some are great and are the type of no nonsense motherfucker that can work their magic in the wingman department whilst being equally adept at diffusing a potential scrap because Dopey or Grumpy have fucked up (we'll visit those two in good time). The bad type of drunken Doc goes around like they're Doctor Phil.

What I mean by this is they'll stick their nose in just about anything whether they know what they're talking about or not and start waxing lyrically like the divine douchebag they tend to be. Usually found beside the messiest person in the room telling them how to fix their life and giving them bullshit stories to pass on their pysch101 ideas. We all tend to have a Doc in our drinking buddies so you're either lucky or very unlucky in that respect.

Grumpy: This can be one of the worst if they've any motor skills left after copious amounts of alcohol. The angry drunk is the ticking time bomb in the midst of your group. They tend to go one of two ways. If they score they're grand and put all that energy into whatever lady or sir they've found for the night. It's when they don't score that they're a problem. The smallest thing can set them off and then it's only a matter of time before the inevitable argument with anything ranging from a person to an inanimate object. In the past I've bore witness to the following Grumpy drunk behaviour. A mate breaking his hand after punching a wall because his girlfriend wouldn't talk to him after an argument. Another mate headbutt a dude because he stepped on his toes then have to be escorted from Bondi by 5 bouncers. The angry drunk isn't limited to dudes either. There's some aggro women too. I've on more than one occasion got to see a girl smash someone in the chops so hard with their handbag that the handles snapped off their bag. Entertaining yes. Impressive yes. Scared shitless yes. I leave these people to the Doctor Phils of the drinking world for the most part. Unless it's a good mate then you gotta get them as far away from whatever it is they want to hit. If they have sight on it it's like a lion hunting a wildebeast. It's game over.

Happy: This is the best kinda drunk. There just the one that's going to be laughing their ass off all night. Can be a target from the Grumpies of the drunken world but most definitely they're the one that you should be around. No stress, no bullshit. Just giggling away like they're high as giraffe pussy.
Which in turn brings us to another one of the unintentional comedy brigade. Sleepy:
We've all been there at some point. Whether it's at a session, in a bar, on the street, in a field or in the night club. We all have mates that hit the internal snooze button when they get enough gargle into them. These are the most bi-polar of the group. They're only a random action away from turning into Dopey Drunk or Grumpy Drunk. Said action is usually perpetrated by the gobshites of the world. It can still be funny but it still takes a dickhead to do the worst pranks on the sleeping drunk.

Anyone doubting the bi-polarity of said drunkards should view the below as Exhibits A and B to support this rambling.

And with that we're on to Bashful: Now there's 2 kinds of bashful. There's the mild one that's just quiet and keeps themselves to themselves whilst chatting away with folks whilst being a bit quiet. Usually has to be brought into conversation and once there they're chatty enough to not be completely socially retarded. Generally the person that's last to join a group but they tend to be good folk once they get the handle of any nerves they have in social scenarios.

Which then brings us onto the bad kind of Bashful drunk. This is the motherfucker that doesn't say a word all night. Tend to be the weird ass work colleague or friend that just can not find common ground with anyone. They also tend to be the leery bastard of any group that just stares all night at any member of the opposite sex. This type of Bashful can also turn into a Doctor Phil drunk as this tends to be the way they get people on side. Yet again another type that's most likely going to be seen close to the drunkest person in the room. Think Dwight in the American Office for the kind of person we're talking about here. Most likely to say something like but will not do anything about it ever.

Which brings us to Sneezy: These are our drunk friends that find better ways of being by living through chemistry. Most commonly these days it's the ones that will be inserting any random assortment of legal highs or illegal highs up their nostrils. No pill heads are not included in the list. They generally tend to be blackout dopey drunks. The Sneezy drunk tend to rock it like Rick James bitch or Charlie Sheen.
In the winter months it can also be the one that's out with a cold so don't get them mixed up. After all who the fuck in Ireland doesn't go drinking when they're on anti-biotics whether it's an infection or the dreaded man flu.
Many a lad has braved the extremes and been on the front line drinking when the dreaded man flu has had them incapacitated for all other activities. As long as they don't pass the disease by sneezing in your pint you'll be alright.

Which brings us to Dopey: This can be either a harmless visitor to langeredland or a potential news story waiting to happen. The harmless end of the scale is the person that gets too locked to talk properly but keeps their major capabilities intact. They can still walk and all the usual functions just slur their speech like they're the victim of a temporary paralysis of their tongue. The dangerous end of the scale is that drunk that is not quite Sleepy drunk and not quite Grumpy drunk. They're sort of in between and usually it's the type of girl or guy that you've seen falling into people or all over the dancefloor. Usually have wet patches on their clothes from any variety of Dopey events. These can be but are not limited to spilt drinks, vomit or other bodily fluids.

My favourite kind of Dopey drunk is the blackout dopey drunk. This is the one that gets absolutely twisted and has no recollection of anything. You could show them pictures the next day and they'll be dumbfounded. Anyone who wants to go look for the Rogan drunk Eddie blog will understand what I mean. It's available through

This brings us on to our final batch of person to watch out for. The gobshites.
These are anywhere and everywhere. From the average nightclub to every festival campsite. These are the retards that take things just that step too far. Yes they sometimes can be funny but once they've got that joke that gets a giggle they'll keep repeating it until they cross the line. Unfortunately they won't recognise they crossed the line and will keep going despite the joke having lost it's lustre and being past the point where it's even funny.

There's also the leery gobshite. Sort of like the bashful drunk but they're much worse. These can take the form of the stalker kind who will follow a girl around like their shadow all night.

They also have an ability of chasing down every woman in a nightclub in the search for Ms. Drunk and Desperate. These cocksuckers are date rapists in waiting. They will happily be rejected by every woman in the building only to start all over again. They're that sort of dude that thinks receiving a text from someone or a girl saying hi means they're in. Retards of the highest extreme.
Don't forget the cross eyed guys as well. They're the ninja perverts of the leery bastard group. That wonky eye has a target field too. Homing in like an F-18 in whatever they're looking at.

The really bad thing about the gobshites is they don't necessarily have to have anything in them to act like dickheads. They just are. It's like it's built into them. They're the same sort of fuckwits that will do something stupid and not have any thought for what they're doing. Case in point the San Francisco Tiger incident.

The gobshite is the walking epitome of my last blog. Just remember you can't fix stupid. Stupid is forever. Thankfully for all of us; the drunk descriptions above are only a temporary thing. Unfortunately for the gobshites they're the epitome of the stupid people that are outfucking the smart people.

Feel free to add any other types of drunks or gobshites you can think of. I'm always up for a bit of entertainment on that front.

Cheers for reading this mess. Just another week til Christmas now and only another 12 days until the next UFC. Thank fuck says I.

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